As Good As It Gets

I don't usually talk about my own personal health here but it seems I can say things on the blog that I can't explain face to face.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly checkup. For weeks now I have been contemplating the right questions to ask him, the right tone, meditating on it even. He comes in with a smile on his face and his shields on maximum - I have a tendency to be a bit confrontational, seriously, when my life is at stake. I consider him a good friend and I really don't intend to be belligerent, so I've been trying really hard to reach him.

What is clear is that nobody really knows what is "wrong" with me. I mean yes, I am infected with a terminal disease. But so are many others, and for them, a relatively "simple" drug combination allows them to lead relatively "normal" lives. I am not one of those people. My drug combination is 5 drugs instead of 3, and I need other 9 drugs to counteract the side effects of those 5. I literally have a prescription for every occasion. I can't leave the house, or "do" anything really, without following the regimen. And even then, I'll be the one who has the "accident" in the restaurant and has to ride the bus home with shit in my drawers.

We discussed a couple of possible reasons, like brain thinning. But there is nothing to be done really. So I'm the one who's crazy.

My doctor said that sometimes I might have to "pretend" so that people will like me. "I know you don't want to hear that." he added. That's why I love the guy. It is also why I hate the world.

He tells me I could live another 20 or 30 years, which I just pretend not to hear. Not like this. Right now I can "pass" but I'll never really be close. Dementia may be horrible, but at least it's something to do. I'm confident I'll be really good at it.

I couple years ago a man I loved pushed me out of his life because he got sick. He did not want me to be his caretaker. At the time I was devastated, jealous (of his caretakers) and angry. Now I find myself on the other side of that coin and believing he is right.

Now is all that I have. Now it is time for my meds. I will do the math, you guys go have fun.