Saturday, July 29, 2006

As Good As It Gets

I don't usually talk about my own personal health here but it seems I can say things on the blog that I can't explain face to face.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly checkup. For weeks now I have been contemplating the right questions to ask him, the right tone, meditating on it even. He comes in with a smile on his face and his shields on maximum - I have a tendency to be a bit confrontational, seriously, when my life is at stake. I consider him a good friend and I really don't intend to be belligerent, so I've been trying really hard to reach him.

What is clear is that nobody really knows what is "wrong" with me. I mean yes, I am infected with a terminal disease. But so are many others, and for them, a relatively "simple" drug combination allows them to lead relatively "normal" lives. I am not one of those people. My drug combination is 5 drugs instead of 3, and I need other 9 drugs to counteract the side effects of those 5. I literally have a prescription for every occasion. I can't leave the house, or "do" anything really, without following the regimen. And even then, I'll be the one who has the "accident" in the restaurant and has to ride the bus home with shit in my drawers.

We discussed a couple of possible reasons, like brain thinning. But there is nothing to be done really. So I'm the one who's crazy.

My doctor said that sometimes I might have to "pretend" so that people will like me. "I know you don't want to hear that." he added. That's why I love the guy. It is also why I hate the world.

He tells me I could live another 20 or 30 years, which I just pretend not to hear. Not like this. Right now I can "pass" but I'll never really be close. Dementia may be horrible, but at least it's something to do. I'm confident I'll be really good at it.

I couple years ago a man I loved pushed me out of his life because he got sick. He did not want me to be his caretaker. At the time I was devastated, jealous (of his caretakers) and angry. Now I find myself on the other side of that coin and believing he is right.

Now is all that I have. Now it is time for my meds. I will do the math, you guys go have fun.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Covenant Sex

“What is unacceptable for even liberal Christians is sex without commitment. It is a deeply entrenched, Christian conviction that covenant life is best for the individuals in the relationship as well as for the community in which they live. The rightness or wrongness of sex should not be considered, they believe, on the basis of what body part goes in what orifice, as conservatives insist. For liberals it still must be judged on whether or not promises are made and kept. The problem for many liberals is that the notion of two men or two women marrying is still too “out there”: calling the promises that gays and lesbians make between themselves “marriage” is thus still farther than many on the left are willing to go.” - Sex and the Liberal Christian

What really gets me is all those "good Christians" who sit back and judge me simply because their god made them straight. Oh and you can just see how deep this conviction is entrenched for them.

"For liberals it still must be judged on whether or not promises are made and kept." BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. My promises will NEVER be good enough. It's not integrity we're talking about it's policy, and the point is that I must be judged. "Wives obey your Husbands." So are you the man or the woman?

I wish for just one damn second this world would stop and look at the price of "faith".

Republican Terror Squads

You know what, I'm thinking I'm all for S. 2453 and S. 2455 that the Senate Judiciary committee will be voting on as early as tomorrow. I mean, the President deserves to have super powers that make him invincible whenever the warning beacon shines in the sky. Naturally.

But why stop there? Why not require the executive branch to create specific units whose sole mission is to end "ter-ra"? Are they serious or not? Everybody knows that once you find the terrorist you have to torture and kill them, so I say we add those freedoms to the list as well. Duh.

Now that we have "home-grown" terrorist, everybody is a terrorist until proven innocent and placed under surveillance. I think we should add "econo-terrorists", anybody who may say any bad news to threaten our economy in any way, to the list of known axis powers.

Also, it seems perfectly reasonable to assume that anybody who disagrees with the President is a terrorist. You are either with him or against him. Any "true" American trusts the President at all times, but especially during a looming emergency like ter-ra.

Nothing feels safer to me than an all-powerful secret police state. It's only temporary, simply until we rid the universe of ter-ra. Only then can we really ever be free, right? Oh won't the Lord be so pleased!

Monday, July 24, 2006

God You Smurf Me Too

I'm serious people, when your time comes...

Two killed in Britain as inflatable art takes off

Again, this morning, I awoke to find two guys emptying the FOUR dumpsters for the building into the alley looking for recyclables. It was broad daylight, the garage across the way was open, people were just ignoring it because it's not their problem. The economy is strong, the tax breaks are working, and we are safer than ever before.

Some people seem able to suspend their disbelief and carry on the premise it will be alright in the end. Some part of me wishes I could remember what that felt like. Grim is the nature of the future. Now is the only time we have. You can change the future only by acting now. Be beautiful. Love thy stupid insane neighbor, even if that means calling security to get them out of your dumpster.

More than a few have implied that this perspective is a root issue with my general discontent. With that comes the idea that I should choose some other perspective so things don't feel so bad. I always find myself seriously considering it until the pain shoots up from my feet again and reminds me what perspective really is.

God wants a big war. Grab your annotated literature and automatic weapon.
Veto hope and let's go.

P.S. More love, from God

Sunday, July 09, 2006

God I Smurf You

Words are the most dangerous things on the planet.

In fact, words are what describe every evil idea. Often times, they can come together into radical groups or gangs and convey an even more complex web of alluring death.

Words can sway the masses, move a soul, or not. Words cause and cure fear.

Words are free, cheap, costly, and expensive.

Words are deeds and bonds. Words are a curse and a blessing.

Words say fear is the greatest motivation. Hope not.

"We want to put the monkey on crack."
"Can you use a rat instead?"

Friday, July 07, 2006

I Am The Cure

In answer to other questions, a majority of the Britons questions described Americans as uncaring, divided by class, awash in violent crime, vulgar, preoccupied with money, ignorant of the outside world, racially divided, uncultured and in the most overwhelming result (90 percent of respondents) dominated by big business.
The full article is here. I still can't figure out which part is so horribly bad. Why can't the rest of the world just die or whatever.

I came across a word today I had never heard... "emos" in this posting on GroupHug.us. I found 14 definitions for emos at urbandictionary.com that each tell a story on their own.

Today while I watched the crazy homeless man dumping big bags of bird seed in the alley. I asked him why and he said "everybody's got to eat" with a big smile. I just frowned and shook my head. All 300 or so of these pigeons will return here every day, probably until they die, expecting to find mounds of bird seed. Are we looking at this bird flu thing all wrong?

How will America survive a great economic depression? Besides eating pigeons.

Also in my blogroll I found a funny cartoon.

Over.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Our Leaders Are Insane

The Senate Commerce Committee "debates" network neutrality laws.

Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) explained "Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day."

No I never use VOIP, streaming audio/video, or CHAT...

Read his comments in this Wired blog 27B Stroke 6. I also HIGHLY recommend listening to the totally tubular audio stream if your ISP or US Senator doesn't block it and you can suffer the folly of horrifying truth.

It just doesn't get any clearer.